Fear of Doubt

I’ve been avoiding blogging. I really have. I think it is because of where my head has been at lately. Yes, it is still attached to that thing I call a neck, but I guess I mean more mentally. I’ve been wrestling with the big bear of doubt. You ever doubt something? Maybe you doubt that you made a right decision or maybe you doubt whether air will really hold the airplane up that you are flying on. I’m not quite sure where to take this and I think that is the fear part. Paralyzed by fear and doubt, I become quite an ineffective person. Everything think in life seems coated with some dull gray haze and nothing taste utterly real anymore. What a gloomy thought process. But, its real. I’m having it. I don’t like people to know this, but I’m afraid that it has been written all over me. And the truth of the matter is, I know God is real. I know He is real in my life. But I still face doubt. I guess I’m human. Hopefully I didn’t waste too much of your time, but I felt it necessary to get some of this out. THE end.

Fo show

Well, it is definite, the working out has begun. Me and my friend Brian worked out tonight. This is apart of this whole discipline deal I’m on. It’s not easy. In fact, I feel as though I’m failing miserably. But the truth is no matter how many times I fall, I’m going to keep falling forward. Exercise is such a pertinent thing in everything that we do. Of course, exercise is something that we should do to keep ourselves in shape. Obviously, I have not done well at practicing that principle. When we don’t work out our muscles turn to goo, our bellies get quite round and our energy goes right out the door. Exercise is not just a principle that applies to physical, but also to relational. When we don’t “exercise” our relationship with our loved ones, that relationship pretty much turns to goo. The same applies for the spiritual as well. Without the “exercise” of it, our relationship with Christ is nill. So what have you done this week to spend time with Christ? You know, He wants to spend time with you.

I miss my wife

I miss my wife. Yes, she is only about 10min away, but I still miss her. I’m allowed, I’m her husband. The house is quiet and still. I’m up, restless, wanting sleep but knowing that a dear part of my heart is not with me. The bed is empty besides myself and I honestly long just to be beside her. My heart pangs to feel her touch or even just to hear a soft whisper of her voice. I wonder if that is what God feels when we don’t even speak to Him? I wonder if in the home of our heart, He sits quietly waiting, listening, longing to hear us speak. Or maybe He longs when the knock will come and we will choose to re-enter again with Him. Maybe our conversation with HIm was too short, maybe He wanted to talk a little longer or stare just a little more. Maybe God misses us and longs to be with us more than we do with Him. I know this and I don’t want to not be with Him.

In my haste…

Ok, so I might have made a mistake by naming one of my blog titles after another blog. It seems statistically, that most of my views come from there. But still, I belief the statement, “everybody wants to be a bodybuilder, but don’t nobody wanna lift no heavy weights” to be more metaphorical than physical. I’m at it again. I hate the up and down of fighting to maintain discipline in my life. I have come to the conclusion that there is no singular method or solution to gain and maintain discipline. It is a steady and consistent diet of multiple things starting with a hearty helping of Christ in the center. I wholeheartedly agree that this process is inside-out and we must first begin in our “private world”. This has inspired me once again to read this book (“Ordering Your Private World” by Gordon MacDonald), and I would encourage you to do the same, unless you are happy with the stumbling, completing the next task, unorganized, disappointing and discouraging lifestyle that you might be in.

Snapshots

I’m a constant thinker… like I always have something going on in the brain (much to some people’s beliefs…). It probably is a great fuel for my ADD. I was sitting here tonight and just thinking about the last year. I guess I have reached that point in my life where the gas pedal has been to the floor. Not so much in the sense of pace, but more in the sense of big events. I was thinking about my wedding a few minutes ago. It came and it has gone. The beauty of it is still with me, but the event has gone on. It makes me realize more each day that life is such a vapor. A wisp of smoke from a match blow out and then we are gone. In that small wisp, what difference will I have made? What difference will you have made?

Justin

For some reason I am terrified of chatting with people about church and other spiritual things. I don’t mind if it’s someone that I know or that attends the church, it’s the people outside, the ones God has commanded me to reach. I add it up not to the fact that God is not amazing, for He is, and that what He is done has not completely redeemed us and set us free, for it has. What I add it up most to is my own insecurity. My own tiny, little, selfish insecurity about what people think of me. How sad! I relegate not telling people about the one who can save their souls and not inviting them to an amazing place where people celebrate that because I’m afraid of myself. God is so much bigger than that!!! So now that I’ve successfully beat myself up with words, I do have a story to share. I have been trying very hard to invite people and to tell them about Jesus. One such guy is a young man I met this morning, Justin. Justin had been standing at the garbage compactor at our apartment complex all day yesterday. (Well, not all day) But he was standing there enough that I passed him twice. In fact, each time I came he basically met me at the car and took my garbage (Talk about a radical act of kindness). I felt God impressing me to talk to him, but I was too scared. I’m terrible about starting a conversation like that. So then I prayed all night that God would give me a second chance because I screwed up the first. Low and behold when we took the garbage this morning he was there. I asked his name and he said it was Justin (ironic). Very nice guy, I invited him to church and got his cell, saying that we like to have people over to watch some tv or play some cards. He was down with that. I’m glad that I did not miss the second chance God gave me. I’m hopeful that he will come hang out with us Sunday and maybe God will begin to act in his life. It wasn’t as hard or as scary as I make it out to be, because the God of the universe is with me.

Weekend Update

Yes, it has been awhile. But, Chuck laid out the gambit today with discipline and perhaps being faithful in a blog is an easy way for me to start. However, I’m very tired and on the edge of sleep so I will just give a quick update. So far, the wedding is progressing and there are a few more details to iron out before the big day. We have a place to live! Sweet! Me and Shana will be shacking it up in our new apartment (beginning April 25th obviously) located in McDonough. No worries, we will be having peeps over to hang. Today was awesome. Thanks to my roid raginess and a shot in the butt, I was able to sing today. Also, I scared several small children with the easter egg video. (I will include a clip on the church’s vimeo page  http://www.vimeo.com/anchorchurch/videos). I think that’s it for now (well atleast all I can remember) See you tomorrow!

Late Nights and Long thoughts.

Does their ever come a point where you are just tired of hearing someone whine? Well, I’m tired of hearing someone whine and that person is myself. The funny thing is, I know my personality and its tendencies better now than ever, yet I’m still as hard on myself as I always am. I realize David perhaps was a “whiner” as well. David didn’t even last till the 3rd Psalm to begin his rant. Right now, I feel as though I’m in my 3rd Psalm. There is quite a bit of pressure floating around lately and the consistent question that races through my mind is this, Am I going to be able to make it through it all? And not just make it, but am I ever going to feel like I have my head above water to breath? I don’t want to sound dramatic (course, my personality type lends itself to dramatic phrases) but it seems and apparently is impossible. Some things around me have just lost their color, life seems to have begun to lose its feel in that it just doesn’t feel “real” anymore. I suck, I mean just plain out suck, at balance. My highs can be so high and yet my lows reach so low. Everyone seems to have a general consensus that it really doesn’t get easier. I don’t know that I want easier, but maybe I ask for to much when I ask for better. There are many joys in my life, but the wash of the rest of life sometimes just washes me out.

I hope if you read or anyone reads this that they don’t find discouragement. Perhaps this is a vain attempt for encouragement for myself. Mostly, I just want to be honest. I’m running hard as I can toward God, but that doesn’t feel hard enough. I cry out to Him and sometimes it doesn’t feel as if He’s there or if He even might be listening. But how beautiful the lyric by Ginny Owens…

“So when the whole world turns against me, and I’m all by myself. And I can’t hear you answer my cries for help. I’ll remember the suffering that Your love put You through. And I will walk through the darkness… if You want me to.”

Hitting the curb

Life sometimes throws you curves. Today once again has just been a busy day. I’m ready for a slow down and I don’t want it take over my life. (interesting side bar) Since when did the digital transition move to June? Hmm. So, back to busyness. Had a nice day though, had a chance to hang out with a friend. I’m so grateful for our church. We had a leadership meeting this evening and it was quite interesting. We decided to take it on the road and go to a restaurant in McDonough. Well, that was an interesting move. We basically survived a tornado. The weather was really exciting and the sky was insanely beautiful. I feel secure now that if our leadership can survive a storm like that, we can weather anything. This is the most random and pointless blog tonight, I hope I didn’t waste your time. Oh, and don’t hit the curb.

It was just a Tuesday.

I feel so distracted. Do you ever feel that way? It’s like the life I really want to live is passing by and yet I’m still living it. I enjoyed watching the rain tonight. I love to ride in the rain at night. The reason is, you don’t have to turn on your wipers because of the dark. It’s so nice to see the rain to just fall in random place and just glide down the front of the windshield. Somedays, I honestly wish my life was like photoshop. This way, I could change my opacity to 0 and no one would see me. Or maybe in my transparency I could see through myself and to what really matters. There are so many things going on that need my full attention and yet I’m still distracted. But the thing is, I’m distracted by all the things that need my attention. My body and mind just crave to shut down and disconnect, but I can’t. Maybe it partially has to do with a lack of sleep. But how do we focus. Maybe I’m just out of focus. Need to adjust.